Since I really dived into some personal shit in my last few posts, I thought this one should be no exception. This is going to give you a short overview of how my mind works when it comes to closeness and relationships of any sort. I have no clue to why would you want to read about that but maybe you are weirder than me, who knows…
Forming a more intimate relationships includes actually getting to know someone and to do that you need to make yourself at least a bit vulnerable. Vulnerability to me was always closely connected to trust, because for me there is no bigger vulnerability than to trust someone fully and unconditionally. I know some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but I do not wear mine anywhere nearly visible. Not to get too deep into psychological analysis of why is that so, just have in mind my cautiousness when it comes to letting people in my life. Socially awkward was something I used to use to describe myself, but now I am staying away from that expression for numerous reasons. Nowadays, however, I would describe myself as emotionally cautious and that is my personal diagnosis to why I am bad at hellos.
Being bad at hellos might seem as not such a big deal, but when you actually stop and think about how much you miss out on because you are too afraid to let people in it becomes clear how limiting that way of life is. It is not just sad, it is also very unhealthy and unnatural path through life since humans are social beings and we in someway feed on human interaction. What I hate about is specifically is the impression I leave on people. I seem cold and not interested to most of them and of course they do not get the chance to change their minds with getting to know me because they usually do not want to get to know me any further. But still, I believe, anyone who actually knows me has learned to overcome my awkwardness and to see who I truly am.
Goodbye’s. Do not get me started on them. They are hard on their own and I make them even harder trying to make things easier and better. I always over-complicate things by trying to do them in a simpler kind of way and after all these year I should really know better but I simply cannot help myself. As I already said I do seem a bit cold to people on a first note, but the people closest to me say that I am overly emotional and too sensitive which I hate to even write down since it makes me feel weak. I hide that emotional part of me under a facade and because of that my initial reactions tend to be very wrong. I am a pusher, I push people away, I ignore them until they walk away from me, I make them walk away. Only the strongest ones and ones who care about me the most realize what I am doing and stay. Yep, I am self-destructive that way.
Even though I act though and cool, I am a very scared individual. The fear of being totally alone in this world is eating me constantly. And what do I do with that fear? I kind of try to make it true. I imagine stories in my head to get angry and make a fight happen. I ask a person a question and answer myself with the worst answer I can think of. I get angry when someone is angry at me. And the worst thing is I do that half knowingly. I say goodbye’s when they are not needed because I am afraid I will have a goodbye when it is going to be the hardest for me, not even giving something a chance at being easy-going and last hell of a long time. I am so afraid of a real goodbye that I was living my life at half the capacity all this time. This is something that got into my head just recently, maybe a few months ago. I was shown how to look at things differently, how to take things slow and fast at the same time. I was thought how to not think about a goodbye, but rather how to think about a crystal future full of amazing opportunities. I was shown how to trust the people who deserve it.
I guess that will be all from me for today. Honestly I really like the new road I have been walking on for the past month or so and I would really like to know if you appreciate it too. It is rough and real, really personal and intimate. Feedback is always welcome, so be sure to leave a comment down bellow 😀 .
Recently I came to think how people sometimes end up doing something or being with someone who they could swear they would. Life is full of surprises and usually we are the ones that can surprise ourselves the most.
So on that note, today I wanted to talk about types. Do people really have a type when it comes to romantic and sexual attraction? I know it is not just me that falls for someone who is out of normal characteristics that my type is made of. And now the second time around that situation really made me stop and question do I really have a type or any preference at all when it comes to dating someone, since I never actually fell for my type. It’s a curious thing isn’t it. I never liked blue eyes but my last 2 relationships (out of total 3 in my life) involved a partner that has blue eyes. Yes, yes, I know they are just eyes but that is a characteristic that in no way corresponds with my type, in fact it is the pure opposite.
I have no idea when the cliche of liking someone for who they are became true, that cliche is something we all always wanted to believe but never really did. You get what I mean? The whole WHO THEY ARE IS IMPORTANT became bullshit ever since the entire dating world changed. You usually meet your ‘partner’ in a bar or a club, or you just swipe right 😂, how the hell could you know who that person is? Everything sped up and getting into relationships wasn’t an exception either. But maybe we are getting back to how things were before all this fast craziness. Maybe looks really got replaced by conversations and real interests. I guess when you seek a deeper connection with someone your type isn’t important or even it is the last thing you think about.
A few weeks ago I heard an interesting theory that the person in our life is never the wrong person for us, only we can be the wrong version of ourselves and the more I thought about it the more I started to agree with that view. People in our life come and go all the time, and not to think they are in our lives for some reason that is specific and unique to us and who we as people are is crazy. In this view the definition of a type has blurred lines and it is basically irrelevant. Recent events in my life showed me that sometimes you get exactly what you need even thought you might never came to think you need that in the first place.
That would be it for today and this post. Thank you for reading this post and I hope you’ll see me in my next one whenever that will be!