Bad at hellos and goodbyes

Since I really dived into some personal shit in my last few posts, I thought this one should be no exception. This is going to give you a short overview of how my mind works when it comes to closeness and relationships of any sort. I have no clue to why would you want to read about that but maybe you are weirder than me, who knows…


  Forming a more intimate relationships includes actually getting to know someone and to do that you need to make yourself at least a bit vulnerable. Vulnerability to me was always closely connected to trust, because for me there is no bigger vulnerability than to trust someone fully and unconditionally. I know some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but I do not wear mine anywhere nearly visible. Not to get too deep into psychological analysis of why is that so, just have in mind my cautiousness when it comes to letting people in my life. Socially awkward was something I used to use to describe myself, but now I am staying away from that expression for numerous reasons. Nowadays, however, I would describe myself as emotionally cautious and that is my personal diagnosis to why I am bad at hellos. 

  Being bad at hellos might seem as not such a big deal, but when you actually stop and think about how much you miss out on because you are too afraid to let people in it becomes clear how limiting that way of life is. It is not just sad, it is also very unhealthy and unnatural path through life since humans are social beings and we in someway feed on human interaction. What I hate about is specifically is the impression I leave on people. I seem cold and not interested to most of them and of course they do not get the chance to change their minds with getting to know me because they usually do not want to get to know me any further. But still, I believe, anyone who actually knows me has learned to overcome my awkwardness and to see who I truly am.

  Goodbye’s. Do not get me started on them. They are hard on their own and I make them even harder trying to make things easier and better. I always over-complicate things by trying to do them in a simpler kind of way and after all these year I should really know better but I simply cannot help myself. As I already said I do seem a bit cold to people on a first note, but the people closest to me say that I am overly emotional and too sensitive which I hate to even write down since it makes me feel weak. I hide that emotional part of me under a facade and because of that my initial reactions tend to be very wrong. I am a pusher, I push people away, I ignore them until they walk away from me, I make them walk away. Only the strongest ones and ones who care about me the most realize what I am doing and stay. Yep, I am self-destructive that way. 

  Even though I act though and cool, I am a very scared individual. The fear of being totally alone in this world is eating me constantly. And what do I do with that fear? I kind of try to make it true. I imagine stories in my head to get angry and make a fight happen. I ask a person a question and answer myself with the worst answer I can think of. I get angry when someone is angry at me. And the worst thing is I do that half knowingly. I say goodbye’s when they are not needed because I am afraid I will have a goodbye when it is going to be the hardest for me, not even giving something a chance at being easy-going and last hell of a long time. I am so afraid of a real goodbye that I was living my life at half the capacity all this time. This is something that got into my head just recently, maybe a few months ago. I was shown how to look at things differently, how to take things slow and fast at the same time. I was thought how to not think about a goodbye, but rather how to think about a crystal future full of amazing opportunities. I was shown how to trust the people who deserve it. 


I guess that will be all from me for today. Honestly I really like the new road I have been walking on for the past month or so and I would really like to know if you appreciate it too. It is rough and real, really personal and intimate. Feedback is always welcome, so be sure to leave a comment down bellow 😀 .

 

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Easily romantic – Outfit Inspiration 


Skirt: Urban Outfitters
Shirt: Mango
Shoes: Black Leather Converse
Bracelet: Local Shop

 

Another Outfit inspiration post, after a long pause. I really wanted to do a different look so that is why I waited for this long to post a new one. This is my idea of the easy and simple romantic look that is not only limited for night.

I wanted to look cute and some-what romantic, but I was going out in the early morning (or 10 am in summer 😉 ). My goal for this outfit was to dress it a bit down to make it look a bit more relaxed and appropriate for day time, because I didn’t want to be overdressed for a simple occasion and an early hour.

So, quite obviously the main aspect of this OOTD was this cute floral skirt I got from Urban Outfitters a long time ago. (More closeup pics of it HERE! in my London Haul). What is special about it is the black lace near the edge of the skirt which gives it an even bigger romantic detail and the quality of the material that is so soft and easy to wear in +30ºC weather.

And now we come to the most important part of the outfit, which makes it what it is – a simple day time romantic outfit. This shirt from Mango is a simple cut white T-shirt with a pocket on which it says: This is my favorite T-shirt. I fell in love with it last summer instantly and it still is one of my most worn pieces in summer. The shirt balances the skirt perfectly, making it simple and less smart because it adds some fun and flare to the whole shebang.

To finish it all off I wore my favourite black converse with a black bracelet which has an Ankh sign on it. That added to the relaxed theme, making this an ideal fun outfit to wear pretty much everywhere. It is a bit different and unexpected, but that is what fashion is, isn’t it?

That would be all from me today! If you want to check more of my day-to-day outfits and makeup looks be sure to follow me on my two instagram’s which you have on the right of your screen (or at the bottom if you are not using desktop version).

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Fresh out of school – Outfit inspiration

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Shorts: Sinsay
Shirt: H&M
Wallet: Guess
Shoes: Nike (Air Max Thea)

Another week another Outfit Inspiration post. I really seemed to be into making these kind of posts.
This yesterday’s outfit is a bit different from other two I have posted previously. Firstly, it is a true summer outfit with shorts and all. Secondly, it is more of a sporty look than what I usually posted and I kind of like it. Now, let’s go onto the details!

Since I only went for a walk I decided to wear these shorts that are not tight and that are really comfortable. They are brand new and I really like that they are grey because I needed a pair that isn’t black as the rest I own.

As a lover of irony, sarcasm and slogan shirts this one which says School sucks is just a perfect combination of all of those. I love burgundy, since I consider myself not enough brave to wear red anything. Also I like how the edges of the sleeves and the collar are white to match the letters and not just the same colour as the rest of the shirt.

A sporty OOTD wouldn’t be complete without a great pair of sneakers. These Nike’s are my absolute favourites and just describe me and my style fully. Of course there wouldn’t be my signature touch if I didn’t dress up this sporty look a bit with my black leather wallet from Guess that I got in an outlet whilst I was in Venice. Money well spent!

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About love and trust

If love is the ultimate way of living, real full living, then why do we have an instinct not to trust anyone. An instinct that says do not love unconditionally if it is not mutual or in the same amount. Why do we spend most of our lives running away from the idea of loving someone?

Yes, you will get hurt, that is a given. But love is so much more than that. Love is not just broken hearts, taking sacrifices and letting yourself fully trust and have that trust broken. With loving and letting go you are finding yourself, creating yourself and being honest to yourself. What if the answer of who you actually are lays in a future unsuccessful relationship or friendship? What if to answer who you are, you need to hurt a little, or in some cases a lot?

There is no greater gift than to give your trust and love to someone. And also, arguably, there is not greater risk. Playing poker with a bet that is your heart is not usually anyone’s idea of love, but realistically that kind of is a good metaphor for love. We can win it all, we can fold or lose it all, everything depends on the amount of luck we have and also, maybe even more important, the people we play with. People we play with (or against, however you see it) can be risking it all just as we are, but sometimes they are bluffing.

So I guess my question for you is are you willing to play?

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Mood board for May

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I have been doing mood boards for a year now,  the concept is me giving some information about what I did that month that is connected with this photos (that I rebloged onto my Tumblr, if you want to check it out it’s girlonfire-youtube-lover).
PS: I post mood board every last Tuesday of the month!

Soon I will get a few opportunities to sleep in and I plan on taking that chance as long as I can.
The season of eating ice cream a lot began for me!
My current eye makeup look is colours from the Revolution palette called Fortune Favours the Brave and some soft eyeliner.
Kristen Stewart with blonde hair is even cooler (I honesty didn’t think that was even possible)!
This season I am on a hunt for the perfect high heels.
I was thinking about doing a list of things I want to do in summer as a post, and one of those things will definitely be going to a swimming pool since I rarely do that (I live by the sea).
As for fashion I noticed I am quite into stripes this year.
Again, for the third year in a row, I will be working selling ice cream and bartending.

Last year’s May mood board – HERE
Previous Mood Boards —> HERE

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