About the future

I have never been more scared about my future than now. I have never been more scared to make that drastic change which can only end in two directions. I was either about to succeed or crash and burned.

I always knew what kind of future I wanted, I had dreams of exact ways I wanted to accomplish what I want. But now it seems like those ways aren’t the ones I am willing to take.

I was never really afraid of the future and what it brings. Maybe because I didn’t have that much to lose as I do now, or I just realized what would loosing all of what I have meant. I am happier at this point of my life than I have ever been before. Even through the bad and worst days. If growing up means starting to fully value your family, friends, health and your partner I have to say that I think I get what it means to grow up.

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About love and trust

If love is the ultimate way of living, real full living, then why do we have an instinct not to trust anyone. An instinct that says do not love unconditionally if it is not mutual or in the same amount. Why do we spend most of our lives running away from the idea of loving someone?

Yes, you will get hurt, that is a given. But love is so much more than that. Love is not just broken hearts, taking sacrifices and letting yourself fully trust and have that trust broken. With loving and letting go you are finding yourself, creating yourself and being honest to yourself. What if the answer of who you actually are lays in a future unsuccessful relationship or friendship? What if to answer who you are, you need to hurt a little, or in some cases a lot?

There is no greater gift than to give your trust and love to someone. And also, arguably, there is not greater risk. Playing poker with a bet that is your heart is not usually anyone’s idea of love, but realistically that kind of is a good metaphor for love. We can win it all, we can fold or lose it all, everything depends on the amount of luck we have and also, maybe even more important, the people we play with. People we play with (or against, however you see it) can be risking it all just as we are, but sometimes they are bluffing.

So I guess my question for you is are you willing to play?

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At the end

 

At the end
Please come with me
Where we talked about forever
To throw away our infinity.

At the end
Please come with me
Where we layed once again
To remember my first and last touch.

We knew this moment will come
But no one was ever prepared

To meet this part of the story.

At the end
When it comes, if it comes
Please don’t just leave me behind.

 

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SO GOOD BYE FOR NOW, MY FRIENDS (if anyone is even reading)

 

Memory

Memories.
Something we cannot live without.
Yet we often forget the ones that mean the most.

Where do they go?
Is it inevitable to be left with just those bad ones,
Or those whose significance is almost none existing.

Or does our constant memory loss help us?
Maybe that is why I can remember,
Remember the scent of dandruff on grey hair.

Maybe that is why I know,
Know the aroma of my lover’s sweet touch
And my mother’s warm embrace.

Memories.
They serve us more than we know.
They hold so much pain and love.
They are the purpose of living.

In response to Memory!

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Oh f**k, it is spring again

It is not really easy to explain so I am not going to go in great details about the reason why I absolutely hate spring. So let us begin with the short story about spring.

They say it is the season where everything wakes up and blossoms but to me it is the season of bad decisions and even worse happenings. Almost every bad thing that has happened to me and scared me for life was in spring. Memories of those times have made me strongly believe in the theory that something bad is awaiting me every spring of my life. My hatred for this season is so great that I often say that nothing good ever happens in spring which is obviously an exaggeration.

So yeah that is it for today, happy spring everyone! Maybe it is the season of joy to you but to me it is the season of leave-me-the-heck-alone!

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SO GOOD BYE FOR NOW, MY FRIENDS (if anyone is even reading)