Bad at hellos and goodbyes

Since I really dived into some personal shit in my last few posts, I thought this one should be no exception. This is going to give you a short overview of how my mind works when it comes to closeness and relationships of any sort. I have no clue to why would you want to read about that but maybe you are weirder than me, who knows…


  Forming a more intimate relationships includes actually getting to know someone and to do that you need to make yourself at least a bit vulnerable. Vulnerability to me was always closely connected to trust, because for me there is no bigger vulnerability than to trust someone fully and unconditionally. I know some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but I do not wear mine anywhere nearly visible. Not to get too deep into psychological analysis of why is that so, just have in mind my cautiousness when it comes to letting people in my life. Socially awkward was something I used to use to describe myself, but now I am staying away from that expression for numerous reasons. Nowadays, however, I would describe myself as emotionally cautious and that is my personal diagnosis to why I am bad at hellos. 

  Being bad at hellos might seem as not such a big deal, but when you actually stop and think about how much you miss out on because you are too afraid to let people in it becomes clear how limiting that way of life is. It is not just sad, it is also very unhealthy and unnatural path through life since humans are social beings and we in someway feed on human interaction. What I hate about is specifically is the impression I leave on people. I seem cold and not interested to most of them and of course they do not get the chance to change their minds with getting to know me because they usually do not want to get to know me any further. But still, I believe, anyone who actually knows me has learned to overcome my awkwardness and to see who I truly am.

  Goodbye’s. Do not get me started on them. They are hard on their own and I make them even harder trying to make things easier and better. I always over-complicate things by trying to do them in a simpler kind of way and after all these year I should really know better but I simply cannot help myself. As I already said I do seem a bit cold to people on a first note, but the people closest to me say that I am overly emotional and too sensitive which I hate to even write down since it makes me feel weak. I hide that emotional part of me under a facade and because of that my initial reactions tend to be very wrong. I am a pusher, I push people away, I ignore them until they walk away from me, I make them walk away. Only the strongest ones and ones who care about me the most realize what I am doing and stay. Yep, I am self-destructive that way. 

  Even though I act though and cool, I am a very scared individual. The fear of being totally alone in this world is eating me constantly. And what do I do with that fear? I kind of try to make it true. I imagine stories in my head to get angry and make a fight happen. I ask a person a question and answer myself with the worst answer I can think of. I get angry when someone is angry at me. And the worst thing is I do that half knowingly. I say goodbye’s when they are not needed because I am afraid I will have a goodbye when it is going to be the hardest for me, not even giving something a chance at being easy-going and last hell of a long time. I am so afraid of a real goodbye that I was living my life at half the capacity all this time. This is something that got into my head just recently, maybe a few months ago. I was shown how to look at things differently, how to take things slow and fast at the same time. I was thought how to not think about a goodbye, but rather how to think about a crystal future full of amazing opportunities. I was shown how to trust the people who deserve it. 


I guess that will be all from me for today. Honestly I really like the new road I have been walking on for the past month or so and I would really like to know if you appreciate it too. It is rough and real, really personal and intimate. Feedback is always welcome, so be sure to leave a comment down bellow 😀 .

 

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Mood board for February

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I have been doing mood boards for over a year now, the concept is me giving some information about what I did that month that is connected with this photos (that I rebloged onto my Tumblr, if you want to check it out it’s girlonfire-youtube-lover).
The mood board of the month is going live on the last Monday of that month!

So first thing I have to say is that I am 18! My birthday was on 18th of February and you can read a bit about it in my previous post here.

I developed a habit to talk about my makeup look of the month in every mood board for the past few months, so I am going to tell you again. I got a new highlighter and have been loving it, so that with a shimmer pink eye-shadow and eyeliner is pretty much all I do. 

Lip colours I usually use are either dark purple/burgundy or like nude mac lipsticks. No in between really, especially in winter and fall. 

I miss having that urge to dance all the time that I have lost in my depression period, a few years ago. 

I love flowers and bouquets, roses mostly. And I got a few of them for my birthday 🙂 !

Since I have been seeing the fishnet trend everywhere lately, I also decided to get me some. I hope you will get an Outfit Inspiration post this spring with this trend.

Cereal has been more common in my diet this month, and that made me remember how much I actually miss eating cereal since I went through a phase of not eating it for a great while. 

I really want to do some portrait photography with a real camera and all. I hope that this particular wish will come true soon. 

 

Last year’s February mood board – HERE
Previous Mood Boards —> HERE

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Why I love Christmas?/ Christmas series 2016

In my last year’s Christmas with Small Town Blogger I expressed my love for Christmas, but never really explained why do I actually love Christmas. So, for the first post in my this year’s series I will try to explain exactly that!


So my story starts two Christmases ago. A dark time in my life. The time I did talk about before. If you have been with me since the beginning you would know that I have anxiety for many years now. And also that I suffered from depression previously, 2/3 years ago.

As a child everyone loves Christmas, whether it is for the Santa, gifts or family time. But later the whole magic of Christmas bursts like a bubble and now all of sudden you treat Christmas like any other day. But I kind came to my senses properly because I was depressed. Let me explain it further and you might understand what I mean.

While I was depressed of course I try to hide it away from my family and friends. (Not a good decision by any means but it is what I did.) So, I was empty inside for the longest time and to keep any will to live I began to obsess with Christmas. I was all in with the decorations, gifts, the Christmas spirit. And at one point it actually started making me kind of happy, as happy as a person with depression can be, obviously.

I blame it on Christmas magic. So in that honour I still go all in every year after that one. And I will for as long as I keep that memory, keep in mind I do not forget easily. My Christmas tradition came from  one of the darkest parts of my life and for me to make it into something good took a lot of strength. And yeah, that is my reason. Do you have yours?

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Scary future

I am at a place in my life where I have to decide what I want to be. The deadline for that decision is coming so soon that I can feel it even and I still do not know what to sign up for.

It is so scary having to decide your future through just one thing. It is so scary having to decide it while you are not even 18. It is so scary to decide what will you do for the rest of your life.

For the longest time I have known I want to be a forensic anthropologist and that I wanted to study for that abroad in UK. But I crossed UK as a country of my future education at some point of last year. I am not 100% sure why. It is probably a mix of things. A mix of feeling unwanted and unimportant due to the new law they brought, finding and building relationships I cannot bear to break with the distance, finding happiness in the form I never thought I could. Life happened and I moved on. I still want the same job but to get it here is a different story, so I began with a blank slate keeping my dream somewhere close where I can always reach for it.

I have grown, I know that. I have learned so much this past year and I am happy where I am at. And now my next move is what? Something that is going to keep making me happy and that is going to allow me keeping the things and people, I cherish the most in my life, by my side.

So what is exactly that move, you are asking me? Well, you’ll find out as soon as I do.
I am optimistic and hopeful, so I would like to pass that onto you, everyone who is reading this.

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Cliff

There is a cliff. One that I walk by everyday. It is so near where I live and I usually pass by it with my little dog right beside me.

There is a cliff. One that is very high. It gives a spectacular view on the sea that I learned to cherish as a child.

There is that cliff. One that always stood there, since I remember. It didn’t change but I did.

There is that one cliff. That one which, when I walk by it, shows me how well I deal with my life.

You see on some days I childishly admire the view and on others I admire the fall.

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