Bad at hellos and goodbyes

Since I really dived into some personal shit in my last few posts, I thought this one should be no exception. This is going to give you a short overview of how my mind works when it comes to closeness and relationships of any sort. I have no clue to why would you want to read about that but maybe you are weirder than me, who knows…


  Forming a more intimate relationships includes actually getting to know someone and to do that you need to make yourself at least a bit vulnerable. Vulnerability to me was always closely connected to trust, because for me there is no bigger vulnerability than to trust someone fully and unconditionally. I know some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but I do not wear mine anywhere nearly visible. Not to get too deep into psychological analysis of why is that so, just have in mind my cautiousness when it comes to letting people in my life. Socially awkward was something I used to use to describe myself, but now I am staying away from that expression for numerous reasons. Nowadays, however, I would describe myself as emotionally cautious and that is my personal diagnosis to why I am bad at hellos. 

  Being bad at hellos might seem as not such a big deal, but when you actually stop and think about how much you miss out on because you are too afraid to let people in it becomes clear how limiting that way of life is. It is not just sad, it is also very unhealthy and unnatural path through life since humans are social beings and we in someway feed on human interaction. What I hate about is specifically is the impression I leave on people. I seem cold and not interested to most of them and of course they do not get the chance to change their minds with getting to know me because they usually do not want to get to know me any further. But still, I believe, anyone who actually knows me has learned to overcome my awkwardness and to see who I truly am.

  Goodbye’s. Do not get me started on them. They are hard on their own and I make them even harder trying to make things easier and better. I always over-complicate things by trying to do them in a simpler kind of way and after all these year I should really know better but I simply cannot help myself. As I already said I do seem a bit cold to people on a first note, but the people closest to me say that I am overly emotional and too sensitive which I hate to even write down since it makes me feel weak. I hide that emotional part of me under a facade and because of that my initial reactions tend to be very wrong. I am a pusher, I push people away, I ignore them until they walk away from me, I make them walk away. Only the strongest ones and ones who care about me the most realize what I am doing and stay. Yep, I am self-destructive that way. 

  Even though I act though and cool, I am a very scared individual. The fear of being totally alone in this world is eating me constantly. And what do I do with that fear? I kind of try to make it true. I imagine stories in my head to get angry and make a fight happen. I ask a person a question and answer myself with the worst answer I can think of. I get angry when someone is angry at me. And the worst thing is I do that half knowingly. I say goodbye’s when they are not needed because I am afraid I will have a goodbye when it is going to be the hardest for me, not even giving something a chance at being easy-going and last hell of a long time. I am so afraid of a real goodbye that I was living my life at half the capacity all this time. This is something that got into my head just recently, maybe a few months ago. I was shown how to look at things differently, how to take things slow and fast at the same time. I was thought how to not think about a goodbye, but rather how to think about a crystal future full of amazing opportunities. I was shown how to trust the people who deserve it. 


I guess that will be all from me for today. Honestly I really like the new road I have been walking on for the past month or so and I would really like to know if you appreciate it too. It is rough and real, really personal and intimate. Feedback is always welcome, so be sure to leave a comment down bellow 😀 .

 

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What’s my type?

Recently I came to think how people sometimes end up doing something or being with someone who they could swear they would. Life is full of surprises and usually we are the ones that can surprise ourselves the most.

So on that note, today I wanted to talk about types. Do people really have a type when it comes to romantic and sexual attraction? I know it is not just me that falls for someone who is out of normal characteristics that my type is made of. And now the second time around that situation really made me stop and question do I really have a type or any preference at all when it comes to dating someone, since I never actually fell for my type. It’s a curious thing isn’t it. I never liked blue eyes but my last 2 relationships (out of total 3 in my life) involved a partner that has blue eyes. Yes, yes, I know they are just eyes but that is a characteristic that in no way corresponds with my type, in fact it is the pure opposite.

I have no idea when the cliche of liking someone for who they are became true, that cliche is something we all always wanted to believe but never really did. You get what I mean? The whole WHO THEY ARE IS IMPORTANT became bullshit ever since the entire dating world changed. You usually meet your ‘partner’ in a bar or a club, or you just swipe right 😂, how the hell could you know who that person is? Everything sped up and getting into relationships wasn’t an exception either. But maybe we are getting back to how things were before all this fast craziness. Maybe looks really got replaced by conversations and real interests. I guess when you seek a deeper connection with someone your type isn’t important or even it is the last thing you think about.

A few weeks ago I heard an interesting theory that the person in our life is never the wrong person for us, only we can be the wrong version of ourselves and the more I thought about it the more I started to agree with that view. People in our life come and go all the time, and not to think they are in our lives for some reason that is specific and unique to us and who we as people are is crazy. In this view the definition of a type has blurred lines and it is basically irrelevant. Recent events in my life showed me that sometimes you get exactly what you need even thought you might never came to think you need that in the first place.

That would be it for today and this post. Thank you for reading this post and I hope you’ll see me in my next one whenever that will be!

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My Sex and the City

Every once in a while I get this insane idea to write a Carrie Bradshaw like post. Even though I am kind of a lifestyle blogger, relationships and sex were never my forte, actually, those topics were delicately avoided in my posts over last few years. Since I am starting a process of getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things for myself I thought this post could be a good first step on that road when it comes to my career in writing.

Carrie always puts her and her friend’s experiences in her posts so I am going to try to broadly do just that. We already talked about how this summer turned out to have a bit more serious note by me terminating a relationship to be in a better place of mind and we also talked about the importance of healthy selfishness when it comes to your own happiness and mental health in general. Now we are going to talk about making yourself happy in other ways.

Since I have terminated that relationship a few things happened along the way that brought me to the door of opening a new relationship fairly soon to ending of the first one. Of course, me being a crazy over-thinker and all-blames-on-me person, I got a bit puzzled by what my next move should be. I was at a huge crossroad that was problematic for numerous reasons. I knew how it would look and I didn’t want it to look like I left one person for another because I really didn’t. Also, I didn’t want to lose a chance for something that could be so good and so perfect because of a tricky timing that was only tricky because I felt like I was being promiscuous for something that just isn’t like that. What I was afraid of was that other people would think that I am cold and quite simply a bitch. And somewhere along the line of me over thinking that little voice popped into my mind.

Is this making you happy?  – An easy question isn’t it.
Yes! – Even easier answer.
Then why are you feeling guilty for wanting to be happy? Isn’t everybody’s aspiration in life to BE HAPPY?! At that point, I decided to let the moment decide for me and not to limit myself to anything. If it’s bound to happen it will! And it did. It really was a moment. A pure moment in which I thought to myself Yeah, this is it, this is right…  For what it takes, I do feel a little guilty still, but not for making the decisions that I made because I still stand by them.

On a slightly different note now. This summer is a really fast summer. A lot of things happened in a short period of time. I can see my friends trying to find themselves, exploring what life has to offer and being open to new experiences just as I am. And nothing makes me happier than that. We are truly growing up and having fun doing so, finally. Mistakes were made, but who cares really? Rules are to be broken and mistakes are to be made. We are here to find and create ourselves, and to have fun by fucking up ( something that I and my friends were reminded recently).

Nothing should be taken too seriously especially when we talk about sex and relationships in your early days. Nobody really expects you to have your life together, so you shouldn’t either. It is not a crime to enjoy yourself, however, you might want (of course if you aren’t hurting others in a way that is legally considered a crime 😆 ). And also it’s summer, what is better than being young in summer? A lot of things, but it’s still too awesome of an opportunity not to take it while you still can!

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Funny little feeling

There is this funny little feeling creeping inside of everyone’s mind. Sooner or later we all get a chance to experience it first handedly. Is it a curse or a gift? Can it even be called anything else but a feeling?

Jealousy. Strong. Cruel. Unnecessary?

There are a few types of jealousy, but today let’s talk about relationships.

Jealousy. A show of caring and love, not wanting to loose someone. Or simply our own insecurities and fears of being replaced and not being good enough? Probably a mix of both, but then why is it so deadly? Why does it make us do things we never thought we would do before? It really does bring the worst in us. Being overly protective, suspicious, angry, untrusting; sometimes to the point of aggression (it may be just passive-aggressive acts, but still). It is crazy to think from what emotions has this feeling been created; anger, sadness, disgust. And yet we associate it with love. Funny little feeling indeed!

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