Bad at hellos and goodbyes

Since I really dived into some personal shit in my last few posts, I thought this one should be no exception. This is going to give you a short overview of how my mind works when it comes to closeness and relationships of any sort. I have no clue to why would you want to read about that but maybe you are weirder than me, who knows…


  Forming a more intimate relationships includes actually getting to know someone and to do that you need to make yourself at least a bit vulnerable. Vulnerability to me was always closely connected to trust, because for me there is no bigger vulnerability than to trust someone fully and unconditionally. I know some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but I do not wear mine anywhere nearly visible. Not to get too deep into psychological analysis of why is that so, just have in mind my cautiousness when it comes to letting people in my life. Socially awkward was something I used to use to describe myself, but now I am staying away from that expression for numerous reasons. Nowadays, however, I would describe myself as emotionally cautious and that is my personal diagnosis to why I am bad at hellos. 

  Being bad at hellos might seem as not such a big deal, but when you actually stop and think about how much you miss out on because you are too afraid to let people in it becomes clear how limiting that way of life is. It is not just sad, it is also very unhealthy and unnatural path through life since humans are social beings and we in someway feed on human interaction. What I hate about is specifically is the impression I leave on people. I seem cold and not interested to most of them and of course they do not get the chance to change their minds with getting to know me because they usually do not want to get to know me any further. But still, I believe, anyone who actually knows me has learned to overcome my awkwardness and to see who I truly am.

  Goodbye’s. Do not get me started on them. They are hard on their own and I make them even harder trying to make things easier and better. I always over-complicate things by trying to do them in a simpler kind of way and after all these year I should really know better but I simply cannot help myself. As I already said I do seem a bit cold to people on a first note, but the people closest to me say that I am overly emotional and too sensitive which I hate to even write down since it makes me feel weak. I hide that emotional part of me under a facade and because of that my initial reactions tend to be very wrong. I am a pusher, I push people away, I ignore them until they walk away from me, I make them walk away. Only the strongest ones and ones who care about me the most realize what I am doing and stay. Yep, I am self-destructive that way. 

  Even though I act though and cool, I am a very scared individual. The fear of being totally alone in this world is eating me constantly. And what do I do with that fear? I kind of try to make it true. I imagine stories in my head to get angry and make a fight happen. I ask a person a question and answer myself with the worst answer I can think of. I get angry when someone is angry at me. And the worst thing is I do that half knowingly. I say goodbye’s when they are not needed because I am afraid I will have a goodbye when it is going to be the hardest for me, not even giving something a chance at being easy-going and last hell of a long time. I am so afraid of a real goodbye that I was living my life at half the capacity all this time. This is something that got into my head just recently, maybe a few months ago. I was shown how to look at things differently, how to take things slow and fast at the same time. I was thought how to not think about a goodbye, but rather how to think about a crystal future full of amazing opportunities. I was shown how to trust the people who deserve it. 


I guess that will be all from me for today. Honestly I really like the new road I have been walking on for the past month or so and I would really like to know if you appreciate it too. It is rough and real, really personal and intimate. Feedback is always welcome, so be sure to leave a comment down bellow 😀 .

 

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Writing and fighting

As a writer, or whatever you want to call someone like me, I found sitting down and writing a post a very special thing. I love writing even if I know I am going to write a page and delete it. I love to press these letters even if I don’t have any idea what to write about. The feeling of inspiration striking and the gathering of your thought as you write is probably one of the best feelings ever.

I don’t know if everyone here understands that these sit down and just write post, I exclusively write for myself and if you enjoy it that is a plus, but you liking it isn’t a necessary goal of mine. I am not trying to be that entertaining or amusing. I am quite literally having a conversation with myself in written form and choose to publish it for you I miss you a littleto read if that is something you want. Of course I am pleased when people like and comment my posts, and when my words get read, don’t take it the wrong way.

I also think that this way you get quality content and you get to understand something about the way I think, it rather is an intimate thing to share. At the end of the day I am picking my own post topics and I should be the one who is proud of this text you are reading.

Today, therefore, I decided to write about being young and “stupid”, how the media and grown ups perceive the future generations. I got inspiration for this just yesterday when I remembered the word that were once said to me, not so long ago.

Well, someone older said to me and one of my friends: You young people are just rebels without a right cause, you want everything to be the way you think it should be and the other way is wrong. What was said isn’t that bad or far away from the truth when you take it out of the context, but let me show you why was this sentence said to make you understand what I am trying to talk about today.

We were discussing gender roles, feminism and homophobia with someone twice our age who is also a female (important for the rest of the text, not trying to imply anything else). These words were said after me and my friend stated how women are not payed the same, they are discriminated and have a harder time to gain the deserved respect. They  were also said on the topic of gay marriage as something that should be normal and a constitutional right.

If you have been following my work for some time you know how passionate I am about those topics. I am opinionated and vocal, but understanding in a way that I do not try to make someone understand me or what I am standing for. However I deserve and ask for some respect, and I am not going to have it any other way. Of course the “other side” does the complete opposite, this time trying to convince me that there is nothing to do there, it is how it’s been for years and how it clearly should be. That is why I am standing against every single word said in that opening sentence. That is why I am talking about this today.

That person tried to tell me to stop fighting for something I believe in, for something that so many other great people do. She told me to give up. She told me to “grow up”. But I will say this right away, if giving up on humanity,on equality and fighting for what’s good means growing up, I wish never to grow up. If it means to be smaller, to forget, to shut up and watch all of these things happening without doing anything, I am here forward promising that I won’t grow up. Never, in that way.

 

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In general

Saturday morning. 7 AM. Great storm and rain everywhere. Just as it was on that same date 18 years ago when I was born. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

The weather made a full circle in those 18 years to welcome me to something that is legally looked at as adulthood. Even though I woke up feeling just as I do every morning, tired and sleepy 😉 , nature made its best effort to remind me of this event that happens only once in your lifetime, oppose to 40th birthday which you can have multiple times 😀 !

I was blessed to be born in an amazing family that spoils me to death with both, attention and presents. I am blessed to have made wonderful friends along the way who are my strength and ultimate support. And last, but certainly not the least, I was too blessed by meeting my partner in life and crime this young and to have that kind of love this early.

No matter the circumstances that made my life hard and at some times unbearably painful I am grateful for and I appreciate everything that happened to me because those things have brought me to this moment. They brought me these people in my life and prepared me for everything that will happen next.

In past few years I have grown so much as a person. I became brave enough to live my true self and met my partner who helped me to make ease with my appearance and finally like the way I look. I earned my confidence, I learned to love and to be loved. I got calmer, my anxiety attacks are not so common anymore. I am funnier, and I have no idea how that happened.  I changed my style to meet how I am feeling inside. A lot more happened, a lot more growth, a lot more happiness.

I guess that you learn how to be happy and how to feel the happiness surrounding you as the years go by. You learn to appreciate everything that has happened and not to fear the things that are going to happen. I don’t have a magic recipe, no one does. But I know one thing, with the right people everything is easier. 

This post is a thank you to all those people who make my life easier, better, funnier, prettier. To the people who have brought me back the childlike will to live and to explore all the things this life has to offer, to be happy for what is going to happen and for what has already happened. Thank you from the bottom of my small heart, I love you! 

 

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Guest post: Equality

Hi! Let me introduce myself! I am Annie. I’m a 21-year-old psychology student. It’s a pleasure to publish my writing on Magdalena’s blog.
You might think I’m just a girl who lives in her lice little world doing her makeup and suff as mainly that’s what I write about on my blog.
However, I’m not ignorant towards the problems out world faces everyday. As much as I enjoy talking about my favourite eyeshadow palette, I believe we should never keep quiet about issues like inequality.
I hope you’ll enjoy this little piece that I wrote and I’m sure more of this kind of writing will be featured on my blog page. 


As a straight white woman I can say that I’m privileged. I’ve never been bullied, I’ve always had everything I needed to live a stable life. However I come across discrimination on a daily basis. Just like everyone else in the world. The problem is that most of the people just ignore it when they aren’t the ones the discrimination is towards. Just imagine this situation: you’re just chilling with your friends and one of them says a homophobic/racist/ anti-female comment, everyone laughs at it.You know deep down that what they’re saying is not great, but will you do anything about it? Will you take the time and effort to try to convince them that what they’re saying is horrible? Probably not.Because it’s easier to avoid conflict.It’s easier to accept that that’s just the way they are. I was like that all my life, so I’m not judging you. But a few months ago I decided that I’m gonna stand up for myself in any situation that violates the values I represent. Even if it means that your friends look at you in a weird way and don’t understand why are you being “so dramatic”.

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The truth is a lot of people don’t even think about others and what they are going through. They’re just living their fucking privileged lives making comments about people based on their skin, sexuality, religion. But does these things really matter? I just literally don’t understand. Just WHY do people have to be such assholes? I could cry every time I think about what some people experience everyday.I believe it’s hard enough for them to realise that they’re different from most of the people without being made fun of and being called in disgusting names.

Last year’s election had a bigger impact on me than I’d thought it would. If you voted for Trump I can’t understand you, I just can’t. It’s not about being uninformed. It’s not about your political views. It’s about choosing to be ignorant about discrimination. It’s about choosing a racist, homophobic, anti-female person to be in the most powerful position in America. I’m not angry with Americans, I’m just disappointed in humanity. I’m not American, one of my distant relatives lives there, but I don’t have direct contact with America. Although, I still cried for days after the election. Then I realized it’s not the way to deal with it. You have to find faith in humanity again and believe that with an open heart and with kindness YOU can make a change. Even if it just means trying to convince someone racist/homophobic/etc. in your surroundings that what they’re thinking is not okay. Start tomorrow, make YOUR voice heard, stand up for yourself and for EVERYONE who’s being oppressed!


Thank you all for reading Annie’s post and thank you Annie for doing this with me! Go and check out her blog and be nice enough to follow her and leave some comments. Here is a link to her blog where you will soon find my post on equality!

Now if anyone else is interested in doing a guest post on my blog, or doing a trade like me and Annie did please do contact me on any social media of your liking. The links, as usual, are bellow!

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Feelings

A lot of people run away from their own feelings, including myself and maybe you – the person reading this. Running away can be detected in various ways. You can pretend what you are feeling isn’t real. Also, you can refuse to fathom your feelings, to split it to their essence. Of course you can always literally run away from your feelings. You can “block” yourself from feeling something, or better said, you can block yourself from showing those feelings.

It’s a shitty world, I know. Everyone wants to protect themselves from getting emotionally hurt. But think about it, if you do these things to prevent yourself from getting hurt, feeling hurt, pain, sadness, unhappiness etc. you are also limiting the amount of great feelings that make our life worth living.

Tears are not just from sadness, are they? Laughing or smiling isn’t always a showcase of a happy emotion. Pain isn’t necessarily bad. Forget now for just a second what you learned about positive and negative emotions and feelings. Life is about finding exceptions to the rules. No one should go through life looking it in black and white, defining something as purely good or purely bad without any mix between those contrasted emotions. So dare to feel.

I think this is enough said about this topic, and I hope I left you wanting to think about what I said here. If you want to add something or even tell me I am wrong, I welcome you to do so in the comments bellow.
Thank you for reading!

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